"I know you did all you could"

"I want you to know that I am at peace now and I have nothing against anyone at this hospital,especially nothing against you.I know you did all you could." Thats all he said to me before closing his eyes and breathing his last. He passed away this morning at 8.15 and he was 78. After doing what I do for almost 5years now,including my period as an intern,you'd think we learn to distance ourselves emotionally from our patients-to separate emotions from duty and feelings from logic- but somehow it never happens. We never come round to being detached. And everytime we lose a patient,its the same feeling all over again---a feeling of loss,defeat,despair and guilt! Guilt after thinking that perhaps we could've done a certain test or tried a certain approach instead of the one we chose to treat him! Guilt that perhaps we didnt give this case all that we had..........
Mr.Y was admitted to my ward on the 2nd of this month. He was suffering from small cell cancer of the lung,stage 4--the terminal stage. But that man had a zest for life such as I have never seen in someone as sick as him-and considering I work in the oncology ward,I have seen quite a few terminally ill patients-and for a few days I managed to fool myself into believing that he could actually get better. After all,he showed an excellent response to the treatment I had kept him under,and I was beginning to grow real fond of him.He reminded me of my grandfather,who we lost to Leukemia a few years ago. Perhaps I was tring to convince myself that by saving this man from cancer,by defeating the deadly disease,I would be making up for my grandpa's death. Whatever the reason,I went against all common sense and all that science had taught me and actually believed that we had won! And then the disease played its final cards......I had nothing in response! No more tricks up my sleeve. Once again I stood defeated as cancer claimed its Nth victim. ".....I know you did all you could" How I wish I could have done more..........