"I know you did all you could"

"I want you to know that I am at peace now and I have nothing against anyone at this hospital,especially nothing against you.I know you did all you could." Thats all he said to me before closing his eyes and breathing his last. He passed away this morning at 8.15 and he was 78. After doing what I do for almost 5years now,including my period as an intern,you'd think we learn to distance ourselves emotionally from our patients-to separate emotions from duty and feelings from logic- but somehow it never happens. We never come round to being detached. And everytime we lose a patient,its the same feeling all over again---a feeling of loss,defeat,despair and guilt! Guilt after thinking that perhaps we could've done a certain test or tried a certain approach instead of the one we chose to treat him! Guilt that perhaps we didnt give this case all that we had..........
Mr.Y was admitted to my ward on the 2nd of this month. He was suffering from small cell cancer of the lung,stage 4--the terminal stage. But that man had a zest for life such as I have never seen in someone as sick as him-and considering I work in the oncology ward,I have seen quite a few terminally ill patients-and for a few days I managed to fool myself into believing that he could actually get better. After all,he showed an excellent response to the treatment I had kept him under,and I was beginning to grow real fond of him.He reminded me of my grandfather,who we lost to Leukemia a few years ago. Perhaps I was tring to convince myself that by saving this man from cancer,by defeating the deadly disease,I would be making up for my grandpa's death. Whatever the reason,I went against all common sense and all that science had taught me and actually believed that we had won! And then the disease played its final cards......I had nothing in response! No more tricks up my sleeve. Once again I stood defeated as cancer claimed its Nth victim. ".....I know you did all you could" How I wish I could have done more..........

Down memory lane -1

First off, I must say this post has been hugely inspired by NewBo's I remember everything. Its really sweet. And in spite of being inspired by the said post, it is somewhat of a salute to a past that is nothing more than a fond memory to me now.

Hmm...where do I begin.Okay ,I was 17 when my parents decided to send me to Moscow to get a medical degree. I was super excited of course. The mere prospect of finally being able to fulfill my ambition of becoming a doctor was enough to send me up on cloud 9. Of course getting to visit a new country was the icing on the cake. So,here I was.....super charged and insanely excited to be in Moscow. Med school was just as I had expected it to be,hectic.....nothing but hard work and sleepless nights spent cramming for exams. But,as I was about to soon find out,the exams would not be the only reason for my sleepless nights. Before I go further,I need to point out here that I had no idea I was gay. And Moscow was the last city in the world I expected to find love in. I mean,I was here to study and love was the last thing on my mind! And if anyone had even so much as suggested at that time that I would fall hard for a girl,I know I would have laughed in the persons face. But,as they say,love always strikes without warning! And dats exactly what happened to me. I was caught totally unawares with my guard down! I remember that day I first saw her! It was the 15th of April and we were all waiting to answer our Anatomy exams. She entered the hall a good 15mins late looking all flustered and lost. And the first thought that came to my mind was "God! My exam is gonna be a breeze cause I've just seen an angel" And u know what,it was indeed the a breeze. I didn't really think much about her that day cause as soon as I reached the hostel,I had to get down to prepare for my Biochemistry exams. Now,Biochem is one subject I've never grasped. I mean,how do u make sense of all the chemical reactions that are allegedly occurring inside minute organelles called mitochondria or Golgi bodies??? But that's a different subject altogether. So here I was all tense and almost chewing off my fingers in anticipation for the paper when she came and sat on the chair right next to mine! I don't really know how or why,but the minute I saw her,a sense of calm filled me and I knew,just knew,that the exam was gonna be okay! I must'
ve been staring cause she turned to look at me. She then gave me the sweetest smile I have ever seen and said "Hi! I am A. And you are?" Believe me,it took quite an effort to pronounce my name out to her........... not only did I have butterflies in my stomach,but I was getting all sweaty and nervous. The rest of the exam passed in a haze and so did all the other papers. We bumped into each other a lot that semester. We invariably sat int he same hall for almost all the papers and she was always a few chairs away from me. Soon,I was beginning to look forward to each exam with an added sense of excitation. I put extra effort into getting dressed for each paper and always tried to catch her eye. In a few months time we were good friends and went out to discs on Saturday nights-but always with friends. Being with her mad me a new person. i didn't recognise myself. I was more confident,funny without trying too hard and always happy. She filled me with a sense of elation. And I saw the same signs in her too-or was I imagining things? Anyways,things were getting really heated up for me,all I did was think of her all day. And I was not very sure about what I was feeling.I mean I had not given it much thought,but I always assumed that I was straight.And now all of a sudden I found myself consumed with her thoughts.My friends must've realised how I felt cause they kept pushing me to go talk to her,ask her out and frankly I was surprised at how causally they all accepted the fact that i was into women. Looked like I was the only one having trouble with acceptance. Anyways,it took some time to sink in but once I was at peace with it,there was really nothing more to do but ask her out which I finally did. And I believe it was a huge gamble cause I wasn't even sure she was into girls........

Imbecile alert!

Okay what I am about to post constitutes prefessional misconduct....well it has the MAKINGS of professional misconduct! And its not going to do much to my image as an intelligent (i like to believe) person......but here goes........Theres this girl admitted to my ward and I have to visit her everday first thing in the morning....u know the routine 'rounds'! So,shes really pretty and I almost feel off my feet when I first saw her but then,remembering the rule about how you cannot have a romantic relationship with your patient I somehow decided to be very very professional about it! Also,I am not really sure she is into women,so.....................nyways,here I am going to routinely visit her everyday and today,out of nowhere,she kisses me! On the lips! And its not just a slight brush on the lips....no sir,its a full hot,kiss with tongue! I am like "WHAAAA??????" Thankfully there was no-one around since I was giving her a physical and thanks to the rules of 'privacy',we were the only ones in the room. Now I will conferss I was flattered-BIG TIME and I actually did consider doing things to her I cannot even mention here! But the next minute my stupid head got the better of me and I found myself actually pushing her away! Believe me,if nothing else,I deserve atleast a letter of recommendation from the President for doing what I did! I mean this chick is HOT and I dont mean average hot,but bloody smoking hot and its not everyday you have someone like that throwing themselves at you! Besides,she looked deep into my eyes and said Ï really like you doc,I think you are hot!"And guess what my reply was? I believe what I said went something like this Äh,ahem!Thanks! I...a......I believe its not me that you find hot,its the weather. Did you know its 38 degrees outside. And they say it'll only get worse. Global warming! (silly smile) How about we take a look at your test results now!"After 6 years of med school,1 year of internship and a few years of practice as a resident,this is how I handle the situation. I AM ASHAMED!

Finally!

I finally have a place to rant out my frustrations! Just the thought of it makes me feel so good! Oh before I begin lemme start wid a lil background info bout myself..........I m 26,a doctor,working in India,single........and a lesbian! Yah,dats right I m a lesbian AND I am Indian....a frustrating combination if u ask me......and no prizes for guessing I haven't come out yet! Not that I don't want to,I do....its just that I don't think I can do it! U see its bad enough I come from a middle class family but I am in a profession involving continuous interaction with people coming from all strata of society and I just don't think its something that'll go down very well with a majority of them. I can already hear some of you saying "Why care so much about what people think?" I have to,all I ever wanted to do ever since I can remember is be a doctor. And I cannot have that taken away from me! In our society,whats different is bad! Period! My folks have been pretty lenient with me so far,but I am not too sure they will see my point either,besides I cant expect them to! They are waiting to get me married off to a "nice guy"! Jeez! I havent said anything so far cause my dad has literally put his entire lifes savings into my education and I somehow feel I owe him big time and it would be real ungrateful of me to shiock them like that. Add to that an elder sister who is engaged-and whose engagement might be called off if the grooms parents get to know about my sexual orientation-you will agree I have a huge problem on my hands! Oh dont ask me how my orientation has anything to do with my sister or her wedding or husband-to-be or in-laws-to-be......dats one question you should never ever ask in India.....here everyone has everything to do with each thing that happens to anyone! Phew! This really gets to me cause I lived in Europe for 8years and nobody really bothers you so much there! I know its not right to compare,but I just cant help it! After spending so much time in Europe (I wont say where exactly),India feels like a huge federal prison with everyone watching each and every step of mine and I get this feeling I am being scrutinised every waking moment of my life! Sounds bad I know and I am sorry if I bummed anyone out,its just that today is one of my off days and this feels like such a great place to be myself! I feel better already! :) Nyways,have to get back to work,dont want people dying just because I need to rant out my feelings! Will get back with more later! Ciao!