I am so confused............

I have no idea what I am going to do. I can not go on living like this. I am so much in love with A and I have no way of showing it. She says it will not be right on our parts to throw away our parents happiness and expectations just so we can be together. I cannot figure out what the hell happened with her. Wasnt she the one who had wilingly come out to her mom? She was the one who insisted that we dont need to make our decision to be together legal cause marriage is a mere formality,what matters is a union of the hearts! Sounds pretty hollow to me now. I mean I feel bloody trapped and so com[pletely helpless. I need her to be here with me. i am lonely,and not lonely for ''someone'' but lonely for ''her''. Please,please come back A,I cant stand this anymore. No more of this okay,I really mean it. We have to figure out a way to be together......we really do.....

Down memory lane - 2

Turns out she was........into girls I mean. The first time we went out,I took her to my favourite pub. That place had an amazing ambiance and the booze was real good too. Anyways,we spoke about ourselves,each other,our hopes,dreams,ambitions.......the night passed away too quickly and when we said goodbye,I wanted to kiss her but didn't! Soon,we found ourselves spending almost all our free time together. Since she was from a different country than mine,we discussed our cultures,traditions,etiquette's... We would go to explore the city on foot,catch movies,go to check out book exhibitions,visit museums......soon we were seeing each other for almost 3 months and we had not kissed.....(sounds lame,I know,but that's the fact). Strangely enough,our first kiss stemmed from anger. It was the winter break,2months,and she had to go home to visit her parents.Even though I knew her for barely 5months in all,suddenly the thought of spending 2months without her seemed unbearable to me. I got really upset and said things I had no right to say. I ranted on for almost 30mins and all she did was hear me out. When I was done,she pulled me close and kissed me. It was heavenly to say the least. Her soft lips,warm mouth,the scent of her hair,the way she held me........I was lost! I don't think there is any need for me to try and describe what kissing a girl feels like. I believe its the best experience in the entire world and people who have never kissed a girl are missing out on a lot! Anyway,that took care of my sudden anger and outburst. We met at her dorm room that night and that was also the first night we had sex. The sex was............sigh! It gives me goosebumps even now when I think about it. Her skin felt so soft,her caresses were so tender and her kisses so full of passion......if it were up to me,the night would never end....but end it did and by the end of that week,she had gone home. Those 2months were the loneliest of my life(at least I thought so at that time). We spoke over the phone practically everyday,and if for some reason we couldn't,I got all cranky and upset. I dunno why,but when I look back I realise I gave her a really hard time during those 2months and she,the sweetheart that she was,put up with me so patiently. It was like I just didn't want her to see anyone else but me,talk to anyone but me....and it must have been quite a task for her. I feel really bad about my behaviour now,but whats done is done. So...she was back after 2 months and we moved into my room in the dorm. The next 5months I spent with her were amazing to say the least. We were all over each other whenever we had free time and the nights were spent exploring each others bodies...the more I held her,the more I wanted her......it was crazy! Almost the entire summer break was spent in each others arms since neither of us went home.As the years went by,we got so used to being around each other,that the few months she,or I,went home for vacations,the other would be completely lost. It was not until we were into the 2nd semester of 2nd year that we referred to each other as "my girlfriend" . It felt so wonderful to be in a relationship. It was so amazing to come to the room and be able to do what you want to do knowing all along theres sum one there who is ready with a hug or a kiss if you should need one. By the time 3year started,I knew I was crazily,irrevocably and so very deeply in love with A. The first time I told her I loved her was through a letter. I had an early class and left while she was still asleep. I wrote her a long letter telling her what she meant to me,how much I appreciated her for all she did,how lovely and interesting I found her company and how I loved her. I wrote I Love You at the end of it. The sex that night was something special and just before drifting off to sleep she whispered to me "By the way,I love You too".....and I knew what people meant when they said being in love is amazing. In fact,I think that's a major understatement. Being in love is like a roller coaster ride........full of surprises and thrills......it makes you want to do things you would never think of doing,go places you would never want to see and say things you can not imagine....it was surreal. By the 5th year of medical school,I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I proposed on valentines day and she said yes. Of course we were aware Moscow does not allow same-sex marriages,but "does it matter?" she said. "What is marriage, but the union of two souls? We love each other don't we? What does it matter if we do not have the legal papers to show that we have pledged ourselves to each other? What does it matter if theres no minister or priest to sanction our wedding? All you do is place the ring on my finger and swear to be mine for ever and I shall swear to be yours" And that's exactly what we did. Believe me when I say this,but after pledging myself to her,I felt a new closeness,a new sort of affection between us. We were two people in perfect sync with each other and so much in love.......her parents knew about our relationship and I wouldn't say they were too excited about it..... and I still hadn't told mine....cause you know,the whole....."its not our culture.whats wrong with you"speech that was inevitable.We rarely ever fought and even if we did,it was usually when I brought up the topic of me telling my parents about us.She was deadpan against it,she said they'd call me back to India if they got even a whiff about our relationship,and I must confess she was right.My folks would've freaked out and literally hauled me back home.I kept telling her once med school was done,I would have no option but to tell them and she kept saying "we'll figure it out then". The time I spent with her (we had rented an apartment int he 4th year of med school) in our home is something Ill never forget. The way she slept with her head on my shoulders,the way she always woke me up with a good morning kiss,the way she snuggled up into me from behind while I prepared coffee/lunch/dinner. Just being around her all the time was so exciting. We spent the evenings studying,reading books or watching movies. Drinking beer and watching old songs on YouTube was her favourite pass time. And she never ever let me touch her while I was drunk. She hated drunk sex. I loved to hold her and dance with her for no reason. She wrote me little love notes and put them in my books,my scrubs,even my BP apparatus box! It was so wonderful to open my medicine book and find a little note saying "I Love You" kept inside. Each day that passed made me grow acutely aware of how incredibly lucky I was to have found the love of this woman. For it is only when you love a woman do you know what true love is all about and how tender,patient,passionate and fiery it can be. It is only when you sleep with a woman do you know how healing and refreshing and purifying sex can be. When you feel her soft skin against yours,her warm breath on your cheek,her kisses on your lips and neck,when you kiss her breasts and hold her in your arms,you know you ll never need or want for anything as long as you have her love. It is only when you kiss a woman do you know what magic and power a kiss holds. The sweet honey of her lips sweetens your days and her arms shelter you from the nights darkness. It is only when you are with a woman that you can truly say you have loved and have been loved in return....

"I know you did all you could"

"I want you to know that I am at peace now and I have nothing against anyone at this hospital,especially nothing against you.I know you did all you could." Thats all he said to me before closing his eyes and breathing his last. He passed away this morning at 8.15 and he was 78. After doing what I do for almost 5years now,including my period as an intern,you'd think we learn to distance ourselves emotionally from our patients-to separate emotions from duty and feelings from logic- but somehow it never happens. We never come round to being detached. And everytime we lose a patient,its the same feeling all over again---a feeling of loss,defeat,despair and guilt! Guilt after thinking that perhaps we could've done a certain test or tried a certain approach instead of the one we chose to treat him! Guilt that perhaps we didnt give this case all that we had..........
Mr.Y was admitted to my ward on the 2nd of this month. He was suffering from small cell cancer of the lung,stage 4--the terminal stage. But that man had a zest for life such as I have never seen in someone as sick as him-and considering I work in the oncology ward,I have seen quite a few terminally ill patients-and for a few days I managed to fool myself into believing that he could actually get better. After all,he showed an excellent response to the treatment I had kept him under,and I was beginning to grow real fond of him.He reminded me of my grandfather,who we lost to Leukemia a few years ago. Perhaps I was tring to convince myself that by saving this man from cancer,by defeating the deadly disease,I would be making up for my grandpa's death. Whatever the reason,I went against all common sense and all that science had taught me and actually believed that we had won! And then the disease played its final cards......I had nothing in response! No more tricks up my sleeve. Once again I stood defeated as cancer claimed its Nth victim. ".....I know you did all you could" How I wish I could have done more..........

Down memory lane -1

First off, I must say this post has been hugely inspired by NewBo's I remember everything. Its really sweet. And in spite of being inspired by the said post, it is somewhat of a salute to a past that is nothing more than a fond memory to me now.

Hmm...where do I begin.Okay ,I was 17 when my parents decided to send me to Moscow to get a medical degree. I was super excited of course. The mere prospect of finally being able to fulfill my ambition of becoming a doctor was enough to send me up on cloud 9. Of course getting to visit a new country was the icing on the cake. So,here I was.....super charged and insanely excited to be in Moscow. Med school was just as I had expected it to be,hectic.....nothing but hard work and sleepless nights spent cramming for exams. But,as I was about to soon find out,the exams would not be the only reason for my sleepless nights. Before I go further,I need to point out here that I had no idea I was gay. And Moscow was the last city in the world I expected to find love in. I mean,I was here to study and love was the last thing on my mind! And if anyone had even so much as suggested at that time that I would fall hard for a girl,I know I would have laughed in the persons face. But,as they say,love always strikes without warning! And dats exactly what happened to me. I was caught totally unawares with my guard down! I remember that day I first saw her! It was the 15th of April and we were all waiting to answer our Anatomy exams. She entered the hall a good 15mins late looking all flustered and lost. And the first thought that came to my mind was "God! My exam is gonna be a breeze cause I've just seen an angel" And u know what,it was indeed the a breeze. I didn't really think much about her that day cause as soon as I reached the hostel,I had to get down to prepare for my Biochemistry exams. Now,Biochem is one subject I've never grasped. I mean,how do u make sense of all the chemical reactions that are allegedly occurring inside minute organelles called mitochondria or Golgi bodies??? But that's a different subject altogether. So here I was all tense and almost chewing off my fingers in anticipation for the paper when she came and sat on the chair right next to mine! I don't really know how or why,but the minute I saw her,a sense of calm filled me and I knew,just knew,that the exam was gonna be okay! I must'
ve been staring cause she turned to look at me. She then gave me the sweetest smile I have ever seen and said "Hi! I am A. And you are?" Believe me,it took quite an effort to pronounce my name out to her........... not only did I have butterflies in my stomach,but I was getting all sweaty and nervous. The rest of the exam passed in a haze and so did all the other papers. We bumped into each other a lot that semester. We invariably sat int he same hall for almost all the papers and she was always a few chairs away from me. Soon,I was beginning to look forward to each exam with an added sense of excitation. I put extra effort into getting dressed for each paper and always tried to catch her eye. In a few months time we were good friends and went out to discs on Saturday nights-but always with friends. Being with her mad me a new person. i didn't recognise myself. I was more confident,funny without trying too hard and always happy. She filled me with a sense of elation. And I saw the same signs in her too-or was I imagining things? Anyways,things were getting really heated up for me,all I did was think of her all day. And I was not very sure about what I was feeling.I mean I had not given it much thought,but I always assumed that I was straight.And now all of a sudden I found myself consumed with her thoughts.My friends must've realised how I felt cause they kept pushing me to go talk to her,ask her out and frankly I was surprised at how causally they all accepted the fact that i was into women. Looked like I was the only one having trouble with acceptance. Anyways,it took some time to sink in but once I was at peace with it,there was really nothing more to do but ask her out which I finally did. And I believe it was a huge gamble cause I wasn't even sure she was into girls........

Imbecile alert!

Okay what I am about to post constitutes prefessional misconduct....well it has the MAKINGS of professional misconduct! And its not going to do much to my image as an intelligent (i like to believe) person......but here goes........Theres this girl admitted to my ward and I have to visit her everday first thing in the morning....u know the routine 'rounds'! So,shes really pretty and I almost feel off my feet when I first saw her but then,remembering the rule about how you cannot have a romantic relationship with your patient I somehow decided to be very very professional about it! Also,I am not really sure she is into women,so.....................nyways,here I am going to routinely visit her everyday and today,out of nowhere,she kisses me! On the lips! And its not just a slight brush on the lips....no sir,its a full hot,kiss with tongue! I am like "WHAAAA??????" Thankfully there was no-one around since I was giving her a physical and thanks to the rules of 'privacy',we were the only ones in the room. Now I will conferss I was flattered-BIG TIME and I actually did consider doing things to her I cannot even mention here! But the next minute my stupid head got the better of me and I found myself actually pushing her away! Believe me,if nothing else,I deserve atleast a letter of recommendation from the President for doing what I did! I mean this chick is HOT and I dont mean average hot,but bloody smoking hot and its not everyday you have someone like that throwing themselves at you! Besides,she looked deep into my eyes and said Ï really like you doc,I think you are hot!"And guess what my reply was? I believe what I said went something like this Äh,ahem!Thanks! I...a......I believe its not me that you find hot,its the weather. Did you know its 38 degrees outside. And they say it'll only get worse. Global warming! (silly smile) How about we take a look at your test results now!"After 6 years of med school,1 year of internship and a few years of practice as a resident,this is how I handle the situation. I AM ASHAMED!

Finally!

I finally have a place to rant out my frustrations! Just the thought of it makes me feel so good! Oh before I begin lemme start wid a lil background info bout myself..........I m 26,a doctor,working in India,single........and a lesbian! Yah,dats right I m a lesbian AND I am Indian....a frustrating combination if u ask me......and no prizes for guessing I haven't come out yet! Not that I don't want to,I do....its just that I don't think I can do it! U see its bad enough I come from a middle class family but I am in a profession involving continuous interaction with people coming from all strata of society and I just don't think its something that'll go down very well with a majority of them. I can already hear some of you saying "Why care so much about what people think?" I have to,all I ever wanted to do ever since I can remember is be a doctor. And I cannot have that taken away from me! In our society,whats different is bad! Period! My folks have been pretty lenient with me so far,but I am not too sure they will see my point either,besides I cant expect them to! They are waiting to get me married off to a "nice guy"! Jeez! I havent said anything so far cause my dad has literally put his entire lifes savings into my education and I somehow feel I owe him big time and it would be real ungrateful of me to shiock them like that. Add to that an elder sister who is engaged-and whose engagement might be called off if the grooms parents get to know about my sexual orientation-you will agree I have a huge problem on my hands! Oh dont ask me how my orientation has anything to do with my sister or her wedding or husband-to-be or in-laws-to-be......dats one question you should never ever ask in India.....here everyone has everything to do with each thing that happens to anyone! Phew! This really gets to me cause I lived in Europe for 8years and nobody really bothers you so much there! I know its not right to compare,but I just cant help it! After spending so much time in Europe (I wont say where exactly),India feels like a huge federal prison with everyone watching each and every step of mine and I get this feeling I am being scrutinised every waking moment of my life! Sounds bad I know and I am sorry if I bummed anyone out,its just that today is one of my off days and this feels like such a great place to be myself! I feel better already! :) Nyways,have to get back to work,dont want people dying just because I need to rant out my feelings! Will get back with more later! Ciao!